A super motivated boyfriend is great. There’s just one problem, you might have trouble locking him down.
“Why won’t he marry me?” pops up a lot nowadays. Seemingly beautiful, smart women can’t find the love of their lives, and when they do, they can’t lock them down.
Women have it tougher today. It amazes me how some can juggle career and motherhood so well. Those who do deserve a gold star because there are only so many hours in a day.
What’s less talked about is the pressure society puts on men to succeed. Women need to know that men have it rough too. Society expects us to provide, and provide some more!
Ever since I was a kid, my parents stressed the importance of education, so that I can make enough money to support a family and support them. The pressure was latent, but immense making each poor grade or non-promotion that much more stressful. When you’re a teenage boy, frankly all you want to do is chase girls and not plan out the next two decades of your life!
The Super Motivated Boyfriend (SMB) is a curious being. He is a potential gem to any women out there with enough polishing.
Polish him too much and he loses his edge and rolls away. It’s important to understand his ambitions, for once you do, wedding bells won’t be far away!
SMB’s are terrified of failure given the massive amount of expectations placed upon them since they were kids. The more education they receive (i.e. grad school), the more time and money spent, and the more is expected of them to become great successes.
Some SMB’s are late bloomers, which is even worse because they are playing catch up with peers who’ve already checked all the boxes growing up. Beware of the late bloomer SMB!
Action: Be selfless in your support, no matter how silly his goals are. SMB’s need constant reinforcement that they are doing the right thing, even though you think they’re not.
A classic target age is 30. Where many women shoot to marry by 30, the SMB generally has some type of monetary, or career goal they must achieve by then. SMB’s are often told that by the time they’re 30, they’ll have either made it, or failed completely. Talk about pressure!
What’s important to realize is that the closer your SMB is to 30 without much to show for, the less he’ll likely want to marry you. The other typical age targets are 35, 40, and 45. It’s important to find out what his age anchors are.
Action: Assess whether you think he’ll reach his dreams by 30, or whatever his age anchor may be. If you don’t think he is going to become a Vice President in his firm by then, you should either dump him while you’re still young, or reset your marriage expectations by the corresponding years you think it’ll take for him to reach his goals. The choice is yours.
Despite being insecure, SMB’s often come across as overly confident. Because they’ve been working towards their one goal for so long and with so much effort, any person who doesn’t share their passion will be scoffed at.
It may be the simple smirk during a conversation, or the brush off during an initial meeting once they find out what the other guys does. SMB’s believe they are the best thing since sliced bread and have superiority complexes.
Action: Realize that a lot of his ego is born out of his insecurities. Give your boyfriend constant reinforcement, while complimenting him on his successes. There will always be some other colleague of his who gets paid more, or gets promoted before him, so make him feel like he’s doing a great job.
The deadliest SMB is the good looking SMB. He’s confident, motivated, and makes women other than yourself swoon. Meeting a career-oriented, highly motivated man is attractive enough. Add on good looks and it’s game over! The hot SMB is hardest to lock down.
Because they are insecure and know they are handsome, they need even more reinforcement than you can give him. He also needs the attention of other fine ladies who will oooh and ahh at his stature and success.
Action: Let him loose, or else he will resent you. All men have the insatiable desire to flirt with women. You may think you are only innocently inquiring about his whereabouts through your constant texting, but in his eyes every single inquiry is a nag.
The more you inquire, the more you nag, and the more he’s reminded of being in youth prison where his mom doesn’t allow him to go out and play!
Nothing turns off SMB’s more than a woman who doesn’t know what she wants. If you’re the type of girl who always replies “you choose” when it comes to watching a movie, you have very little chance of becoming Mrs. SMB.
Part of the attractiveness of a confident woman is the counterbalance of an SMB’s own insecurities. SMB’s think subconsciously that if a strong, confident, sexy women wants to be with them, they must be doing something right with their lives.
Action: Have a core group of girlfriends you can always hang out with. He needs to know you can have fun without him. Tell him about your plans with other girls and never invite him. The more you spend time with your girlfriends, the more the SMB wants to spend time with you.
Don’t believe me? Next time you’re with your boyfriend, tell him that you are spending time with your girlfriends one Thursday and don’t ask him what he’s doing. He’ll come groveling to spend all the time he can with you when you return.
There’s nothing more attractive to an SMB than a women who can show her feminine side and kick butt in the board room.
You may be the most loving girlfriend in the world, but if you don’t understand the pressures and milestone targets every SMB faces, you’re going to have an awfully difficult time locking him down. Having a SMB is both a blessing and a curse.
On the one hand, your SMB is so focused on making a name for himself that he loses sight of you. On the other hand, if your SMB finally achieves his goals with your support, he will not only emerge as a secure person, he will be forever grateful and want to take care of you forever!
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This post was originally published on February 9, 2010. It has since been updated for 2021+. There’s nothing greater than having a partner to spend your life with, especially during difficult times.